a map in my own mind

I have been thinking about intuition lately. I have some decisions to make that aren’t life altering, but they are important. My intuition will play a big part in my process.

Once a man I knew fairly spit at me, “Your intuition has landed you on your feet for a long time, but you shouldn’t trust that it will always work!”

Uh? Why not?

It does work for me. And when it doesn’t I do have find a way to fix the mistake. (Yep, it does happen!)

However, I also like to think that if I make a decision I have considered at least some options. I like to think that I’ve made the right choice. (After all, who makes decisions, on purpose, and believes they are wrong?)

How can you tell that your intuition is giving you the straight scoop and not just reflecting some history or gossip or something else that’s really just getting in the way? What is it that makes me just know when something or someone is just right, or just isn’t quite right, or maybe more accurately, isn’t quite as it seems?

Dori Molitor wrote a piece called The Sensory Potential about using all five senses to connect with customers. The article published by The Hub click here. She said:

Intuition is a felt understanding that’s capable of sizing up a brand and judging whether it’s authentic, credible and worthy of our trust — all in the same millisecond. Many times, intuitive feelings seem contrary to reasoned logic, but more often than not they prove to be right. … Our intuition tells us, right away, whether we should trust a brand or not. And if you don’t earn your consumers’ trust, you have nothing!

Authentic is a word that coaches throw around a lot. And it’s one that just feels particularly INauthentic to me. But maybe real authenticity does matter in the recesses of my brain that are my intuition.

I depend on my intuition to make all kinds of decisions in my life, from whether I should fly or drive to a vacation in Vermont to whether this is the right plumber for me to whether these pants really do make me look fat.

It’s your intuition that tells you the red car will make you feel faster. It’s your intuition that tells you that a coach really will help you figure out how to make your life work better. It’s your intuition that tells you that I am – or am not – the right coach for you.

But you have to engage your intuition. You have to consider that that still small voice in side you really has learned something from all those years trapped in your head. Maybe you should let it out for a little exercise.

Call me.. see if I’m the right coach for you.

Finally, it’s beginning to feel like fall around here!
There’s just something about fall that makes it feel like the real beginning of the year. And here it is October…Does it seem like we’re already behind?

Even thought I’m long out of school and my kids are grown, this seems like the beginning of the planning season. And the next season to make plans for is really the end of the year..

OH.. So confusing.. But the bottom line?

Making plans is all about deciding. Making plans before you’re faced with a crisis gives you the greatest opportunities and options.

I know that sometimes having so many choices makes the decision harder. And if you wait til the last minute lots of options are no longer available, so the decision seems easier.… Hmmm, Is THAT why you procrastinate?

Here’s a story.

My husband and I went on a little vacation last week. He finally had the engine of his ’67 Sunbeam Alpine back together and a road trip seemed in order — a short one, all the driving had to be contained in a 100 mile circle within which AAA would tow us home if necessary.

As time approached, we didn’t seem certain we could go. We weren’t sure the car would be ready, so I put off the real reservations until just about a week before the trip. Let me tell you, trying to make reservations at bed and breakfasts on a fall weekend – with only a couple days notice – is pretty darn tough!

That delay definitely eliminated some options. And it did NOT make the planning easier!

So as we come up on the biggest planning time of the year, whether your thing is parties, banquets or vacations, start mapping it out now. You can eliminate some stress if all you do right now is put on your calendar the stuff you know you’re committed to: the office dinner dance, travel plans for Grandma’s at Thanksgiving and your, or your kids’, vacation schedules through the end of the year.

If planning is something that easily gets shoved to your personal back burner, a coach can help.

Call me (410.233.3274)
Email me (click here)
I can help you consider all the bits and pieces of your plans… before the very last minute. Let me help you make a map for the future.

P.S. If you’re still wondering if this sounds good to you, check out these stories in my blog.

• Deciding what to acquire
• How do you know when the decision is the right one?
• Or check out the archives of my posts about deciding in general. Click here

Richard Reardon over at his R&R Business Development Blog started talking about the difference between “wanting change” and “wanting to change.” That’s an interesting distinction.

He suggests that looking at what you have now is the place to look for clues to what you need.

I’m thinking that what I have now is not much help in deciding what to change. I have stuff and I have plans and that’s precisely what keeps me stuck where I am. Perhaps if YOU look at my stuff, YOU might get a clue about what I need. But it’s not your life.

But if I think I want to move to a new house that would indicate a specific change and a plan of action to be developed — lots of stuff has to go away from this house and lots of little things need to get fixed on a more immediate time table.

But if I didn’t know that moving was the change I had in mind, then no amount of looking at my stuff would give me the impetus to rent a dumpster.

So I’m thinking a different first clue is to ask what is it that you don’t want? Then look at the opposite of that and see if that is what you DO want — or if maybe it points at least in the right direction.

Personally, I need pencil and paper to figure out the opposites and that gives me a nice list in the end. And I love lists.

I really hate the whole networking thing. I hate going to events and shoving cards into as many hands as I can. (Although, I do kinda like taking the cards home and writing postcards to the people I met. But more and more people don’t bother to include street addresses. So that just frustrates me.)

In the fall I took the assessment associated with the book Now, Discover Your Strengths.

One of my top five strengths is “Relator.” That means I prefer spending time with people I already know. I’m not shy. I don’t dislike meeting new people. But mostly I prefer to build relationships. I want to understand the dreams and goals, fears and pleasures of the people I know.

To me, relationships only have value if they’re genuine. I have a very low tolerance for political games and BS. I know there is a risk to say this out loud. (And perhaps more of one to publish it on the web where it will live forever. There goes my shot at a supreme court judgeship!)

I know there is a risk involved in starting my kind of relationships with people. At the outset, I can never know if the other person is on the same page as me. Maybe I’ll put a lot into the relationship and find out that the other person just wants something from me – not necessarily a sharing thing. But when the connection works, it’s a beautiful thing.

Before I knew about this relator part of me, I thought I was some how flawed because I had such a hard time making myself attend more networking events and shoving more cards into more people’s hands. But now I’m thinking, as a relator, I have to find other ways to connect to new people.

I stumbled on this post in the blog, Addicted to the Hustle, written by Fredd Kambo

I don’t bother “networking” anymore, instead, I try to build relationships with people I find interesting, and who I think are doing interesting things. And I make it my mission to help them in any way I can to achieve their mission. I find this much more satisfying, much more honorable, and much more fun. And this is the cool thing about people….When you help them out in this way, they help you out. Not because it’s a tit for tat deal, but because both parties are engaged in a mutually beneficial relationship that extends beyond the next favor.

Hey, I was a math major, I can put two and two together
I add Fredd’s idea to what I’ve learned from Ellen Bristol at the Bristol Strategy Group about Selling the Smart Way® and finding my “ideal client.” And I’m thinking I just have to get more clear about just who are the people I really want to work with. When I know who they are it should be easier to find them. Personally, I’d rather talk to four people and get three new clients than groaning under the prospect of having to talk to 100 people in order to find 5. (Besides, I have ADHD. I’ll forget the plan way before I hit 32 contacts)

So maybe I’ll just put it out here:

• I love to work with people who own their own companies. There is so much happening so quickly when you’re the top dog. If you’re not careful you’ll miss enjoying the ride on that pony you started down the mountain.
• I “get” IT types and engineers and they fascinate me. Maybe because they are so much about “fixing things” and that feels like a commitment to progress. I love to work with other coaches who get the process.
• I want people who will commit to at least three months of work and then keep going. I don’t really care what the schedule of appointments is, but I love it when it’s consistent. It’s really a rush for me when clients come to the call having thought about what they said the last time they’d do by this time, and then have made some progress on that… even just a little.
• I don’t like to feel like I’m taking my client’s last dollar. I don’t like working with people who always seem to know whose fault it is that their in a certain position, who never take responsibility for their own situation. (You might need therapy) I don’t write resumes, but I will look at them and give you my opinion of you from the page. I’m not a professional organizer. I know some I can recommend. I can talk to you about how your stuff is working for, or against you, and help you decide what you really want to do with the stuff. But I’m probably not going to sit on the floor with you while you go through boxes of files.
• But most of all: I love people with too many ideas — people who can always think of another way to do something are never boring. Sometimes I have to hang on tight to the string of their kite as they soar to new heights and see new sights. (OK, maybe that was a really lame attempt at literary something or other, but you get the idea.) I love to help work out the details of that plan when they come back down to earth.

Call me if you’re ready for a coach. Let’s see if I’m the one for you right now.

Call me if you were a client and are ready, or thinking about coming back. I love connecting with old friends.

Call me if you want more information. I’m happy to be a resource.
And if you’re working on some marketing plan of your own, just who are your ideal clients? Can you name them? Can you figure out how to get more? Want some help?

Call me or send me a note.

I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

Kerch

In case you missed the other parts of this process:
In step 1, you assess the danger of a situation. If there’s blood, attend to that immediately. 911 is the standard call for help all over the US — so people know what to do in crisis.
Step 2 addresses the need for survival past flowing blood. Money allows you to buy what you need. So people who want to give you money should have a pretty high priority.
Step 3: Everything else is negotiable.

Maybe that’s what makes deciding hard. Because there are so many options, so many reasons for making one choice or another. It means you have to think about what you decide. Negotiate, evaluate the options and adjust — and readjust –the priorities. Do what must be done.
Rules just eliminate possibilities. Sometimes you need that. But don’t be too quick to presume that limited options make deciding easier. You could miss a really great choice. Or an opportunity to learn something new.

My father told me “NEVER mess with batteries. The stuff inside them is acid and can burn you.” So I didn’t. It was a rule and it made pretty good sense.

When my son was about 10 he and a friend decided to find out what really is inside batteries. They gathered all the 9 volt batteries they could find. (Sorry about your burglar alarm, folks.) They put them in the street and waited for cars to drive over them.

They learned that 9 volt batteries are made up of six little skinny batteries, all wrapped together. Cool? Huh?

If he’d followed the rule, even I wouldn’t know that.

I’m glad, however, that they didn’t get further, because there’s acid in there and you can get burned!

Experiment! What away to learn.

The Times OnLine, the UK’s most respected newspaper, published an article in the February 18, 2006 online edition, Who dares usually wins: Risk-takers will live longer, have more friends and are less likely to get Parkinson’s.

Quoted in part:

A study published this week in the Journal of Neurology, Neurosurgery and Psychiatry showed that people with a strong streak of sensation seeking were less likely to develop Parkinson’s disease, a disorder caused by the death of brain cells that make dopamine, a chemical that activates pleasure centres in the brain and which is involved in whether we feel a reward or motivation.

And further:

High-stimulus seekers actually drop their heart rate briefly and become more alert, which allows them to process all the information needed to stay upright on a black ski run. For the rest of us, heart rate immediately soars and our dominant thoughts are freeze or flee An appreciation of the benefits of pushing ourselves to extremes may be just what we need to fend off the rigours of ageing. “Quite the worst thing you can do is to avoid stress to either mind or body,” says Professor Mario Kyriazis, a GP specialising in anti-ageing medicine. “Ageing is due to the loss of complexity in our system and the way to boost complexity is to challenge the system. Don’t let it know what to expect if you want to live long and healthily; don ’t settle into routines.”

People who don’t know me but talk to me on the phone often think I am much younger than my 50 something age. Heck, I can’t really remember my ACTUAL age so I just claim 50. I’ll claim it ‘til I’m 60. It’s not about not wanting to get old, it’s really about not remembering the numbers.. But wait, I digress.

Some people in my family think I attract stress. Not the kind that makes it hard to manage my life, but the kind that really does a number on a routine. A plan of action that is sending that skier on the black slope to certain death, a complex organization structure that is careening out of whack, missed details in an event plan. These are the things that really put me on the jazz, as Colonel John “Hannibal” Smith used to say on the A-Team.

I can’t speak to the part about reduced Parkinson’s disease, but the rest of this sounds to me a lot like people with AD/HD: high-stimulus seekers, processing a whole situation in a flash, trying new things. I can’t say that all people with AD/HD have more friends. But I bet the ones who are most centered in themselves, the ones who know who they are and who they’re not – AD/HD and all – are more passionate about enjoying life and trying new things. People want to be with people like that.

I think it was Gail Sheehy who talked about passion, not sex, being the thing that keeps a person young. Passion keeps you looking at your world with open eyes and seeing what’s new. So, if you don’t have AD/HD, and therefore a natural bent toward seeing it almost without looking, make it a point to shake up your life. You’ll live longer. Or as they say in the movies.. Die tryin’!

A great article about coaching appeared in USA Today. Sorry I saved the link, but not the date. In part, it said:

“[Coaches] give clients the confidence to get unstuck — to change careers, repair relationships, or simply get their act together…

“We are not talking about being incompetent or weak. They are everyday, normal people who have their lives together. They realize the value of having somebody to help them think outside the box.” — life coach Laura Berman Fortgang.

“Life coaches are a new option for the worried well — those whose lives are only slightly askew. No longer do they need a diagnosis from a psychotherapist who delves into the painful past. Using the telephone or Internet, they can sign up with an upbeat life coach who becomes a partner in defining a better future.”

I love that concept of the “worried well.”

I use a management style I call “Management by the Group Worry.” When the boss is worried, she says to herself, “Why should I worry alone?” and she calls a meeting.
She tells her staff, “I’m worried about….”
Inevitably, someone at the meeting will say, “Oh, I have that covered.” Or “Oh, I think that’s part of my job.”

Sometimes no one has an answer but the group can come up with one together, and the boss goes away no longer worried.

So the “worried well” get coaches to help them see what they really already have undercontrol and what they don’t. The coach can help determine the problems and help guide the client’s plan of action.

The article continues:

“Although many coaches take extensive courses, many others are without credentials. Virtually anyone can declare himself a life coach, says David Fresco, a psychology professor at Kent State University, Kent, Ohio. “There are no qualifications, no unified approach to coaching, no oversight board. Basically they fly under the radar screen of any sort of oversight.” And the virtues of what many offer are unproven, he says.”

This is the truth. But coaching is all about the relationship. Do you think you’re getting value for your bucks? Great. Do you feel in control of the sessions and the relationship? Great.

You should ask about training and credentials. But like your SAT scores on the way into college, they aren’t the final word in the acceptance process.

By the way:
On the Christmas eve, I got word from the ICF (International Coach Federation) that they have accepted my application for certification as a Professional Certified Coach. The PCC designation requires certain training and verification of 750 hours of coaching.

Thanks to all who helped me file the paperwork!

When I took my first coaching course thru CTI in 1999, I wasn’t entirely sure that I wanted to stop being a craftsman and start being a coach. I took the introductary course so that I could find out more about coaching. I reasoned that what ever I learned it would have value — even if all it did was make me a better friend. (As if being a better friend is “just” anything!)

But according to a January 4, 2006 article in the
Globe and Mail, a Canadian national newspaper,

Redesigning your job so you have coaching and mentoring responsibilities will make you extremely valuable … And if you want to ease out of full-time work, employers are likely to be open to retaining you on a consulting or contract basis.

“You need to keep upgrading your skills, so take advantage of continuing education that your employer may offer.”

Both kinds of “helpers” are useful. Knowing what to ask of each is key.

A good mentor has been down your road before and can show you where the pits are.
A good coach might have that information but understands the value and the necessity of your figuring out for yourself if that’s really a pit or maybe a wormhole to a different dimension.

Having your own coach will help you see the difference between coaching and mentoring. And it will help you to learn to ask the really big questions of your staff or employees.

May you find your own best way in the new year.

Kerch

Coaches are committed to the belief that their clients are “naturally creative, resourceful, and whole.” But that might not be enough information to enable us to do the best job for our clients. What if you didn’t know your client was blind? Some people don’t see their disabilities as such and might feel no need to mention it. What if you never met him and worked only on the phone? Maybe he thinks it doesn’t or shouldn’t matter — And what if more than anything he wished he could drive a car, would you send him out alone? If you didn’t know he was blind, you might not think about the problems. Aren’t we charged to do more than just watch?

I once taught papercutting (as art) to a group of students at a special school for kids who were developmentally challenged AND had been in trouble with the law. They were so disruptive that no regular public schools would have them. It was that school or prison. Some kids had an aid who followed them around all day. Some kids had more than one aid — PLUS the class teacher. Oh baby, they did have ISSUES.

But I thought it would be a great experience to bring my brand of respectful teaching to the school.

I showed them some examples of what was possible to do with a scissors and paper, handed out the paper and scissors, showed them how to hold their paper, I showed them how to hold the scissors.. how to turn the paper and not the scissors.

Most kids picked up their supplies and jumped in — making snowflakes, or designs. Some just cut the paper into tiny shreds. Each to his or her own abilities and talent. All of this.. OK.

But one young woman, scissors in hand said to me, “You’re gonna have to help me.”
“Of course,” says I showing her the paper in my left hand, “hold the paper like this.”
“You’re gonna have to help me.”
“Right,” I say. I hold the paper up to show her how to put the paper in her hand. “Hold the paper like this,” expecting her to pick up the paper and at least TRY to copy me.

It was then that the teacher sitting next to her gives me the news to use, “She only has one hand.”

OK …so.. now that shifts everything. I have to hold the paper for her.. She, just this side of prison, with a sharp scissors and me holding the paper. Now THAT’s what I call a dance!

As coaches we absolutely have to believe that our clients are naturally creative, resourceful and whole. Otherwise we might be in trouble for practicing medicine without a license, trying to fix something broken. We have to be able to discern if they might be broken so that we can help them to figure out what to do about it.

But a person with ADD is not broken.. just different.

On the other hand (no pun intended), we also have to know how their brains work. We do that for our other clients when we ask about their values and goals..in order to do our jobs as coaches to keep them on the paths they have determined.

So knowing how a person with ADD approaches problems — what they are likely to see first, or not see at all — is really key. We have to know ABOUT medications so we can remember to ask if they are getting what they think they should be getting from it. And we have to be able to notice if some thing they don’t understand really might be a side effect of that medication. We have to know to ask.. to remind them to ask their doctors.

Having ADD is, in my opinion and in my experience, a wonderful way to be in the world. I know there are those who disagree. But I also know that if an coach untrained in ADD issues, thinks they’ll coach me thru a simple structure for success and that I’ll just “get it” and go forward…. well, to me, that’s just cruel. It’s like one more person in my life who just can’t understand why I can’t do what I said I’d do, one more person in my life who I imagine I’ll disappoint by not doing what I am supposed to… by anyone’s standard.

and THAT, boys and girls, is perhaps the worst part of having ADD — being consistently inconsistent with what we tell others we’ll can do or will do, and being consistently inconsistent with what we tell ourselves.

A compassionate, but no nonsense coach who really does dance.. might have success. But it seems cruel to both the coach and the client. To the coach to expect him (or her) self to be able to take consistently inconsistent answers from the client without understanding the reasons.. and then expect themselves to keep on going without feeling like a failure. And cruel to the client who hopes someone will have some information to help adjust his progress.

And I think that lack of understanding and lack of ability to build a consistent and dependable structure is what makes a lot of people with ADD feel just rotten about themselves.

We all have to work WITH our life issues.. find ways to work around them if we can. And find ways to keep getting up in the morning and thinking of new ways to put one foot in front of the other.

If I’m not like everyone else, if I only have one hand, then please let me have a coach who knows about having only one hand. Don’t make me think up all my own answers to all my own questions because I really don’t know how to BE with only one hand. I don’t have any models of people who only have one hand. I don’t care if YOU, my coach, have two hands as long as you have some information about what it’s like to be like me.

Get it?

by Kerch McConlogue, CPCC
This article will appear in Spring 2006 issue of Hypertalk Magazine, the semiannual newsletter of CHADD of Maryland

Marge has lots of great ideas about how to pull in really big bucks selling insurance. She knows just what to say so people understand the value of her products. It’s just that she keeps putting off making the calls she knows she has to make. Even worse, she forgets to send the follow up invoices after the calls. Week after week slips past when she’s done enough to just get by but not enough to get her a corner office.

Peter’s company knows him as the big picture man. He is a project manager. He sees the possibilities and the traps, and he’s expert at evaluating where the conflict will be. But Peter has “people” who set up his appointments and nudge him about the follow up.

Peter and Marge both have AD/HD but Peter has something Marge doesn’t have. Peter has a coach – specifically one who understands ADD, what it does for him and where it can trip him up.

What is a coach?
Peter doesn’t get advice from his coach, Kathy, who doesn’t even have to understand what he does for a living. She does, however, have to trust that Peter knows! In addition, because she is trained to work with people who have AD/HD Kathy has valuable information about the condition that other coaches may not. And that information can be comforting when you’re feeling like the only one with your problems.

A coach will help you set up a system or structure to accomplish what you say you want. You’ll get to think up your own advice and then try it out. If it doesn’t work, you’ll learn from what you tried and do something different next time.

Coaching takes time. It is important to give yourself the time to change. Living with ADD has probably taught you certain strategies to get along in life. If those habits aren’t working it will take some time to change. You have to be prepared for that.

Coaching is a confidential relationship. Although a growing number of employers will pay for it, insurance generally doesn’t. It can cost generally between $150 and $250 a month. Some coaches may charge less and many charge much more.

How is coaching different from therapy?
Coaching is not the same as therapy. Many people have both coach and therapist.

In the broadest of terms, therapy address the “whys” of your life. For example, you might have a problem with exercise because of something that happened to you years ago. In therapy you could learn to understand why you don’t exercise, then you might be able to make changes for the future.

Coaching, on the other hand, does not address your past or your pathology. Moving forward is all about deciding what do you want to do and then making a plan to do it. Perhaps your lack of exercise is based on the fact that you haven’t really found an exercise you like, or the right person to do it with, or the best time of day to actually do the work. Coaches can help you identify those possibilities and then hold you accountable for making the change.

Why a coach?

According to an article in February 2005 of FastCompany Magazine

People seek out coaches for two common reasons: navigating some transition in their lives or careers, or having some inkling that they’re jerks, and that antisocial behavior is holding them back.

The coaching relationship is structured so that the client takes responsibility for his own actions. He gets to say what he wants from the relationship and how he wants to proceed. This covers everything from how often you’ll meet together, to what you’d like your coach to say when you do, or don’t do, something you said you would.

Many of the reasons that people with AD/HD seek help from a coach are very specific – having trouble with time management, with the chaos created by clutter, with transitions to a new job, or, perhaps, the shift from an “at work” personality to an “at home” one.

Tackling any change, though, must address the whole life of the client. While you may come to the coaching relationship with a specific problem in mind, the changes made will likely touch many other parts of your life. For example, if you come to a coach to get help with managing your time at home better, you can expect that the way you manage your time at the office will also come into the conversation. You may have different issues about time in both places but, in fact, they are related. Besides, what you do well in one place may be useful in the other. Perhaps you just didn’t notice that before.

How to pick a coach
Most coaches work on the phone as well as in person, so it’s not necessary that your coach be local. Some of my local clients have grown to appreciate telephone work and not having to travel to appointments.

• Ask your therapist if s/he knows any coaches who might be a good match for you.
• You can search on-line using Google or some other search engine. For a start try typing: coach for adults with ADD or perhaps coach for ADD in Baltimore in the search box.
• Check out the websites of a few coaches. Not only will you be able to learn about their training but also you’ll be able to tell something about their personal style and attitude based on what they think is important enough to mention on their website.
• Take advantage of the free introductory session offered by most coaches. Coaching is a relationship. You want to be sure that you’re compatible and not feel judged or scolded.
• Commit to a couple of months of coaching. Change takes time. You should ask how long the coach expects you to work with him or her. If there is a contract, how do you get out of it if it’s not really working out for you.

Above all, coaching is pragmatic. It’s a great opportunity to practice saying clearly what you think. If coaching doesn’t seem to be working for you, say so. The coach might not know it if you don’t speak up. Coaches don’t expect their clients to stay with them forever. While some clients do keep working with the same coach for years, it’s probably more common that they work together for several months. Then it’s great when the client feels in control enough, comfortable enough with the relationship, to come back for a check in once in a while.

Warren Buffett said, “I don’t look to jump over 7-foot bars. I look around for 1-foot bars that I can step over.” It’s that one step at a time thing that’s important. People with ADD often see the big picture and miss the steps required to get there. The power of the coaching process, particularly for us, is in helping to notice those parts of the whole which are required for growth. Notice them, acknowledge them, and attend to them – that’s when success is sure.

Find a Coach Resources:
www.chadd.org
www.ADDConsults.com
www.ADD.org
www.ADDResources.org
www.coachfederation.org .

About the author: Kerch McConlogue, CPCC is a professional coach in Baltimore who works with people who have too many ideas. She can be reached on the web at www.mapthefuture.com, or by phone at (410) 233-3274

For information about CHADD meetings in Maryland, check out our online schedule.